


lemongrass and sleep, apple juice and peach

by riverblujay



Category: One Day at a Time (TV 2017)
Genre: Alex Alvarez Centric, Gen, Trans Alex Alvarez, author is nb but afab, background bi alex, background syd/elena, syd is gender fairy godparent, trans girl alex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-11 05:09:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18423507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riverblujay/pseuds/riverblujay
Summary: alex said the far scarier sentence that at the same time was more comforting than anything the teenager had ever heard before. “she,” alex mumbled under his- no, her- breath, voice beginning to choke up, “was sitting on her bed, in her room. her,” he- she,she- sighed and spoke just a little louder, just a little surer. “her name is alex, and she’s a girl.” alex smiled to herself, so small it was probably barely considered one. she didn’t care; she finally felt whole.or: in another world, elena isn't the only alvarez daughter (but it takes alex some time to figure that out)





	lemongrass and sleep, apple juice and peach

**Author's Note:**

> sooooo,,,, i had this idea awhile ago, but only now managed to get over the writer's block from a certain scene rip (relatively unedited bc im lazy af lmao)
> 
> like stated in the tags, i am nb but im not a trans girl so tell me if i fuck up??? thanks
> 
> title from dodie lyrics, again, bc i cant help myself apparently

  
  


Meeting Syd was… weird. They were the first person he had met that wasn’t- what was the word Elena had used? Cisgender, that was it.

Maybe it was especially weird because Alex seemed to be the only one not confused by Elena’s friends’ pronouns. Why, he wasn’t quite sure, but part of him seemed to naturally take other people’s pronouns in stride. As if it was something he innately knew how to do.

Like he said: weird.

Alex hadn’t really thought about gender at all, before now. He had had no real reason to. Sure, there were some days when he felt, well,  _ uncomfortable _ , in his body. But that didn’t mean anything.

Right?

By now Alex was used to his sister’s speeches that covered many, many topics. And ever since Syd and Elena officially gotten together, the ones about trans rights or transphobia or “bathroom bills” had subtly increased. So really, it wasn’t Alex’s fault that he was maybe a little  _ too _ interested. For a straight, cis guy. (Actually- not that he was going to say anything, but if Alex thought that he potentially _ might  _ be bi- well, that was his business; he wasn’t in the mood to share that fact with anyone.)

And even if he was somewhat invested in the topic (a gut feeling he didn’t really understand), it wasn’t like it meant anything.

 

\---

 

Seeing his sister and Syd search for other titles besides “girlfriend” is bizarrely sweet, to be honest. Learning he had really fucked up with the whole Chloe thing? Less so, but still something that probably needed to be said. There was one part of the conversation that still rang in his ears, though; the worst part was that it wasn’t even a big thread of the discussion. Just an afterthought.

 

_ “Please, cool it with the toxic masculinity.”  _

 

Alex wasn’t sure why that was what had followed him the most. Sure, he could probably be considered somewhat  _ feminine _ , or whatever people wanted to call Alex, but he hadn’t been super extreme about it, recently. He might not be the most “manly” ( _ or whatever _ ) guy around; yet at the same time, it wasn’t like he was acting like he was to the point of overcompensating. (Where did Alex, in his own head, get “overcompensating” from? He didn’t need an _ inner _ Elena, thank you very much.)

Strangely enough, the part of his brain that had thrown out “overcompensating” as a possibility didn’t feel that much like his sister. In fact, it felt completely and genuinely like himself. 

(One last thing: since when had there been a confusing, simmering discomfort whenever Alex thought of…  _ himself _ … with masculine pronouns?)

 

\---

 

Alex had started pushing the envelope, so to speak. He (pronouns that still felt weird using, for some reason, but Alex didn’t really have much else to go off of right now) had been wearing clothes that screamed “guy” less than his usual outfits. Other times he wore necklaces- delicate chains with a few charms or a small, pendant-ish center, not anything gaudy- under his shirt and collar. Alex hadn’t been brave or desperate enough to attempt putting on makeup yet. He really wanted to try nail polish, honestly, but he was too nervous to actually try it. The reasoning behind his thoughts and why exactly he wanted to wear any of it made no sense; but there was a gut instinct that doing these types of things would make Alex cringe a little less at the mirror.

Speaking of mirrors- Alex had no idea why he was suddenly so much more uncomfortable with his appearance than he’d ever been in his life. But there were things, even ridiculously small ones, that felt  _ off _ about the way he looked. Things he had generally ignored up until now. Strange things, like a random thought of  _ my chest is really flat _ or  _ that’s definitely facial hair and it needs to get  _ off _ of me. _

Random, out of place, extremely weird thoughts.

 

_ Maybe I should grow my hair out a little _ . Tempting, if Alex was telling the truth, but no; it’s just another passing thought in his head that doesn’t deserve attention.

 

\---

 

Somewhere along the line, Alex had exchanged phone numbers with Syd. They weren’t “texting buddies,” but one of the two would occasionally send the other a message, usually a question. This topic, though, Alex was pretty sure would be very weird if he actually went through with sending the message. 

 

_ It isn’t like you have anyone else to ask, you know. Elena wouldn’t  _ really  _ get it, and everyone else would make it a way bigger deal than it is. _

 

Sighing, Alex hesitantly began typing out a message to them.

  
  


_alex:_ hey

_ alex: _ how did you know that you 

_ alex:  _ you know

_ alex:  _ werent a girl?

 

_ tardis:  _ welllllll

_ tardis:  _ idk lots of things

_ tardis:  _ why?? are you thinking that ur not cis???

 

_ alex:  _ idk

_ alex:  _ ill just go, didn’t mean to bother you

_ alex:  _ thanks i guess

 

_ tardis:  _ wait, no, i can at least try to explain

_ tardis:  _ i suppose,, well, have u ever felt vv uncomfortable in ur body

_ tardis:  _ like ur super, extremely uncomfortable with how you look and have a general //wrong// feeling about it

 

_ alex:  _ …

_ alex: _ maybe

_ alex:  _ why

 

_ tardis:  _ officially, my pal, that is called “gender dysphoria” by trans/nb people

_ tardis:  _ or just dysphoria

_ tardis:  _ but it sucks and also mirrors suck tbh c7

 

_ alex:  _ syd

_ alex: _ did you just attempt to dab over text

 

_ tardis:  _ attempt?? i think you mean

_ tardis:  _ succeeded,,,

_ tardis:  _ y e e t

 

_ alex:  _ i am leaving this conversation

_ alex:  _ ...but thanks

_ alex:  _ its all kinda weird tbh

 

_ tardis:  _ my advice,, try in ur head or out loud using diff pronouns for urself

_ tardis:  _ its surprisingly helpful, believe it or not

 

_ alex:  _ huh

_ alex:  _ see you later at some point

 

_ tardis:  _ peace out ✌

  
  


Which left an end result that wasn’t overly reassuring, and yet- saying that dysphoria was something Alex had never felt before was actually a lie. Because truthfully? The discomfort/hate that seemed to come with his (???) body and reflection were scarily close to both dysphoria and feelings Alex had had for ages but had never explored or named.

In other words: time to test out Syd’s advice.

“They were sitting on their bed, in their room. Their name is Alex,” Alex whispered, barely audible, so that the sentence had no chance of being heard by anyone else.

_ No, _ Alex thought,  _ that doesn’t feel quite right _ . A few deep breaths later, Alex said the far scarier sentence that at the same time was more comforting than anything the teenager had ever heard before. “She,” Alex mumbled under his- no,  _ her _ \- breath, voice beginning to choke up, “was sitting on her bed, in her room. Her,” he- she,  _ she _ \- sighed and spoke just a little louder, just a little surer. “Her name is Alex, and she’s a girl.” Alex smiled to herself, so small it was probably barely considered one. She didn’t care; she finally felt  _ whole _ . A type of whole where she hadn’t even realized something was missing, but now that Alex had found it she was instantly more at peace.

 

\---

 

Even though it caused an ache in Alex’s heart and felt like a punch to her gut, she still hadn’t said a word about the whole being trans thing to anyone except Syd (mostly because they already knew part of it, anyways). Alex hid the flinches that followed the  _ he _ or  _ him _ or  _ his _ that trailed her like a pro, and generally tried to ignore the nausea that welled up inside her whenever she was called a guy, or some form of it.

It wasn’t her family’s fault- to be honest, it could be a little bit of hers for not coming out to them yet- but Alex found herself more on edge, more irritable, the longer she hid her secret. (She wondered absentmindedly just how long Elena had stayed in the closet, and how her sister had managed a secret like this for so long.) The worst days were the days when Alex’s dysphoria spiked- the days she hated herself, her voice, her chest, her body in general; days she couldn’t bear her reflection at all. 

Syd was subtle as well as amazing. They used the right pronouns over text, or during that rare moments when it happened to be just the two of them, but also respected her wish to not come out _ just _ yet and kept using masculine pronouns in front of Alex’s family- even Elena. They carefully passed onto her small things that, surprisingly, did ease the burden on her chest: nail polish (some clear, some a variety of colors, but she only put on the clear ones for now), a tube of mascara (and instructions on how to take off just enough so that it was there but not obvious), and Alex’s most secret and prized possessions of all. 

_ Clothes. _

She had always had a sense of style, Alex supposed, even when she was younger- especially compared to Elena. She hadn’t ever thought she would be the type of girl to be falling in love with makeup, or dresses, or skirts. But there was something  _ amazing, _ and extremely validating, about wearing clothes that so obviously fit her gender, even if the clothes themselves weren’t a perfect fit on her.

(Looking back- or maybe looking forward- Alex knew what she had been feeling that time  _ abuelita _ had given Elena a makeover, how she felt when she had seen all of the beautiful dresses when her sister had her  _ quincea _ _ ñ _ _ era _ . She hadn’t even considered it as an option, but the truth was that she had been  _ jealous. _ )

That wasn’t the point, though. The point was that no one else was in the house and wasn’t expected for at least a few hours, which meant she could try on Syd’s old skirts and dresses properly. Before Alex could stop herself, she started walking to the bathroom. She bit the inside of her lip and before Alex could change her mind, she carefully applied blush and lipstick and even a little eyeshadow to her own face (different from all of the other times she had used the products, when it had been for someone else, but not too difficult to use overall).

Alex took a deep breath and stared her reflection down. The makeup had instantly brightened her mood. There were other parts about her appearance that she didn’t like, but it was amazing how just one action had make Alex feel a thousand times better. She exhaled, and made her way back to her room. 

The dresses and skirts were hidden behind other, more masculine clothing. Syd’s collection was mostly items that were old, not really their style, or ones from before they were able to dress more androgynous. Alex had tried on a few of the outfits when Syd had first passed on the garments, but she hadn’t had many opportunities since then. Eventually, she decided on a floral skirt and blouse pairing, complete with black tights, for her first outfit. (Alex had also researched tucking quite a lot over the past few weeks, and had mostly succeeded when she attempted to do it herself right after everyone had left the house.)

She finished dressing quickly enough, and rushed to the bathroom because for once in her life she found that she actually wanted to look in a mirror. When Alex actually entered, though, she couldn’t help but stare in awe.

Alex looked at her face, and she loved how much she resembled  _ abuelita _ . The way the makeup- what little bit that she was wearing, anyways- made Alex feel… beautiful. She had always been described as “handsome,” or something like it. She had never been  _ pretty _ or  _ beautiful _ . But here and now, in this moment, she couldn’t stop smiling; she twirled in a circle for a few seconds- letting go of any self-consciousness for a few precious moments- enjoying how her skirt spun along with her.

Pausing, Alex looked back into the mirror. She leaned in and messed with her hair, wishing she had a headband or something to make her haircut look more feminine. Elena didn’t really have decorative hair clips, and Alex had none at the moment. She gave up on hair accessories for the time being and instead soaked up her reflection, how her skirt and blouse looked on her; she tried to take it all in, because she wasn’t sure when she would be able to do this again. She wanted to be able to picture this moment, this image, the next time her dysphoria was almost too terrible to handle.

However, Alex was so focused on committing what the truest version of herself looked like to memory that she missed the sounds of Elena entering the apartment, only realizing that her sister had returned home early when she announced her presence. (Not that it would have mattered- there was no way she would have been able to get rid of any evidence in the extra ten seconds.)

_ Well, shit,  _ she thought. Alex hadn’t been prepared, mentally, to come out today- and she most certainly hadn’t planned to do it dressed in Syd’s old clothes and some stolen makeup.

“Alex?” Elena called again. “Syd had a last minute family thing they had to go to, so I came home- where are you?” She asked the last part in confusion. Alex tried her best to keep her voice steady as she answered her sister. “Uh, I’m- I’m in the bathroom.” She took one final deep breath, steadying herself on the exhale. It was only seconds later that Elena opened the bathroom door.

Her sister, for once in her life, seemed speechless; Alex fidgeted awkwardly as she looked at Elena with hesitation. The older girl simply stood there, processing everything for a solid minute, and as each second passed Alex’s anxiety over the situation only grew. Finally, Elena inhaled, deep and deliberate, before slowly exhaling.

“So,” she began, looking just as awkward as Alex felt. “Pronouns? And… do you want me to call you by a different name?” 

Alex had never been more grateful that Elena was her sister, and that it was Elena who had accidentally discovered her like this. She knew that not all sisters would act as calmly, or say just what Alex needed and wanted to hear, be able to take something like this in stride. This was a lot- Alex knew that more than anyone. Elena immediately accepting that Alex wasn’t what she had thought, and asking about her pronouns- not to mention asking if she went by a different name, and not assuming one way or another- it meant more to her than anything.

She hesitated for a long moment before she was able to answer, her throat practically choking up with emotion; after Alex nervously coughed and cleared her throat, she forced out the words that she needed to say. 

“Alex is still okay. And- she and her, if you. If you wouldn’t mind,” she said in a low voice. Her only warning was her sister’s bright smile before pulling Alex into a tight hug. “Of course I don’t mind,” Elena mumbled into her shoulder. They stayed like that for a few minutes before Elena dragged Alex back to her room to grab the rest of the clothes, then to Elena’s own room.

Alex hadn’t quite envisioned having a knock off _ New York Fashion Week _ at the beginning of the day, but she had to admit that it ended up being pretty fun. Elena searched her room for old accessories or jewelry each time Alex ventured into the bathroom to change outfits. Her sister had managed to find a couple of decorative bobby pins and barrettes, and had maneuvered her normal cut into a style that didn’t look masculine at all. Alex had most certainly  _ not _ lost all of her composure right then.

They talked about serious things, too, like:

“Are you going to tell mom and  _ abuelita _ today? Or another time?”

She sighed heavily and leaned back against the side of the bed. “I don’t know. I mean, I wasn’t even planning to come out to  _ you _ today, Elena- it just happened by accident.”

Her sister smiled. “Yeah, I gathered that much.” There was a weighted pause that filled the room. Elena glanced at the clock. “Everyone will probably be back in half an hour or so,” she continued, “so if you don’t want to say anything- well.”

Alex didn’t speak for awhile, gathering her thoughts. She knew it  _ most likely _ wouldn’t end badly- her mom and  _ abuelita _ had adjusted to Syd’s presence easily enough. There was still this awful  _ fear _ that filled her entire being, though, that Alex couldn’t seem to shake. “I know everything will probably end up ok,” she whispered, “so why am I still scared?”

Elena hummed before resting her arm comfortingly across Alex’s shoulders. “It’s natural,” she assured. “You’re worried, and even though things maybe aren’t the best right now you’re mostly scared of how things will change.” Her sister smiled in the way that only older sisters can, and Alex gave a her small one in return.

“... I think I will tell everyone,” she said quietly after a few minutes of companionable silence. Alex turned to face Elena. “Might as well get it over with, right?”

She smiled at her again, before deciding to pull Alex into another hug. “Whatever you choose,” Elena pressed a soft kiss to her forehead, because Elena was sappy like that, “I’m with you, sis.”

If Elena had said practically anything else, Alex would have rolled her eyes. But her sister seemed to know just what to say, apparently, to bring her onto the verge of tears. If Alex had thought she had finally filled a missing piece once she figured out she was trans, that moment was  _ nothing _ compared to right now. Here and now, where Elena called Alex her  _ sis _ ; how the first thing she had asked Alex was what pronouns she wanted her to use, then actually used the right ones (and Alex wasn’t oblivious- she saw the careful effort to not mess up, how Elena had accidentally used the wrong pronoun once but only fixed it and moved on, and didn’t make a big deal out of it).

Considering it had only been a few hours, Alex would say that she and Elena were handling the situation relatively well. They shared a companionable mostly silence for the rest of the time- Elena offered encouragements, but Alex appreciated that her sister hadn’t pretended Alex’s coming out would be anything like her own. How she knew the circumstances were different, even though it was still a coming out.

A thought occurred to her, and Alex frowned. “I think,” she said suddenly, causing Elena to glance at her, “that it might be better for me to change. So it’s not. Overwhelming?” She wasn’t actually sure if looking more “normal” would make the situation better or worse, but she also figured it couldn’t hurt.

“Whatever you prefer,” Elena replied. Alex gave her a smile that was half grimace before quickly going to the bathroom to- regretfully- wipe off the makeup. It was strange, she thought as it faded from her skin; Alex had barely put any on, but now that the blush and lipstick and eyeshadow were gone she automatically felt, overall, just plain  _ worse _ about her reflection. She didn’t want to focus on it, though, and instead went straight to her room to change back into more neutral clothes.

It was suddenly weird, to sit with Elena, and pretend nothing was different. Like she was cis; like her sister hadn’t just discovered Alex’s greatest secret. To talk about random things that weren’t gender/trans/queer stuff, or joking about how now they completed the acronym (Elena had taken Alex being bi in stride, even more so than the trans thing- it was nice, but not unexpected if she was being honest).

Time edged by, slowly but surely, and soon enough the sounds of her mom traveled through the apartment. “Alex?” Mom half yelled. 

“Coming,” she called back, walking to the living room as steadily as she could. She wondered if her body betrayed any of her nerves, how she was on the verge of panicking but not quite there. Elena quietly followed her, a few paces behind but somehow projecting reassurance.

Alex took one last quiet yet deep breath to steady herself. “Hey,” she greeted. Her mom instantly seemed concerned-

“ _ Papito _ ?”  _ Mami _ said far too gently, “are you okay?”

“Fine,” Alex dismissed, her voice mercifully not breaking. “Just- um. I had something to talk to you about. Alone?” The last part was added for Elena’s benefit, letting her sister know that she would be alright, on her own; this was something she  _ had _ to do on her own, if Alex was being honest with herself.

Her mom’s frown deepened slightly. “Sure,” she replied, tone uncertain.  _ Mami _ followed her to her room, and Alex flashed Elena one last grimace-smile as she passed her. The pair sat down on Alex’s bed, the same way all of her serious conversations with her mother seemed to start. There was a solid minute of silence as Alex tried to figure out a way to even begin talking, but her mom beat her to it. 

“Alex, are you okay?” Her eyes shone with concern, obviously trying to guess even part of the situation, reaching for just a drop of understanding.

“Yeah, mom, I’m fine- really,” she said. “I just need to tell you something. And I-” Alex swallowed nervously. “-I don’t want you to be upset about it.”

“Oh my god,  _ are you smoking pot again- _ ”

‘No, no, it’s not like that-” she cleared her throat. “Um. I guess. Well.”

Alex closed her eyes and sighed, bracing herself. “You know how Elena has friends that are trans?” She opened her eyes to glimpse into her mom’s, and found recognition and confusion- recognition of the word, but not how it related. Alex pressed on, drawing on every drop of courage she could find. “Uh- I’m. This might be weird for you, but-  _ I’m _ trans.”

To be fair, her mom did her best to hide the shock that filled her, but Alex still heard her breath catch in surprise; her own breath hitched too, Alex found, tensing as she waited for what came next.

_ Mami _ spoke her next words cautiously, like she was walking on ice. “So… you’re saying that- you’re a girl? What- I mean-” her mom flushed. “I have some questions I guess.”

Alex tried to keep her face neutral. “I’d imagine,” she answered softly. “Where- where do you want me to start?”

Mom asked, and Alex explained: when she realized; yes, she still went by Alex (for now); she  _ would _ prefer she/her pronouns, and if her mom could really try it would be really great; no, Elena didn’t know until today; and yes, she was planning on telling  _ abuelita _ (and yes, she was honestly still really nervous).

And then her mom told her she loved her, and that it would all be okay, and that she didn’t care that she actually had two daughters instead of a son.

 

(There were heartfelt tears on both sides of the equation.)

 

Miraculously- or at least Alex thought so- coming out to  _ abuelita _ went okay too. In fact, her grandmother had been almost ecstatic ( _ Elena’s SAT vocabulary always surfaced at the weirdest times _ ), and the Alvarez household put together a not-party party in honor of her coming out.

(Coming out to Schneider was far easier than it probably should have been. He hadn’t made any fuss about it, switched pronouns like it was the easiest thing in the world, and the offer of helping her pay for HRT almost brought Alex to tears for the- what, third?- time that day. 

God, she was so,  _ so _ lucky.)

 

\---

  
  


_ one year later _

  
  
  


Alex tried to stop herself from fidgeting with the hem of her skirt. 

It was windy, though; June in California had brought heat with it, too, and the girl was happy that she had chosen to wear a tank top to pride. She felt strange, but happy in a way she couldn’t explain, standing next to Elena and Syd and Schneider and mom;

Elena, wearing a patterned, short-sleeve, button up adorned with pride pins, her hair pulled away from her face in a half bun;

Syd, with their own badges declaring  _ they/them _ , a tee in the colors of the nonbinary flag declaring  _ fuck the gender binary _ ;

Schneider, whose casual jeans and shirt didn’t outweigh the bi flag painted onto his cheek;

Her mom, whose custom shirt read  _ I love my gay daughter _ on one side and  _ I love my trans daughter _ on the other;

And Alex herself, who didn’t indulge in dresses and skirts and pretty makeup as often as she liked- because that was how girls like her (trans, latina, couldn’t always pass) got hurt, or dead- deliberately choosing to put on her favorite floral skirt, and an almost crop top with the more flowers and the words  _ trans is beautiful _ . Her hair was down, but pushed back with a headband, and Alex wore her own buttons with  _ she/her/hers _ as proudly as she dared.

 

(today, she dared a lot; probably more than she ever had before.)

**Author's Note:**

> [odaat blog](https://onegay-and-a-bi.tumblr.com)


End file.
